Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Power Of Guinness:

Early one evening, somewhere in Lime Rock.... A hideous, unfortunate, blasphemy of an inhuman Zombie is given a Guinness by the Guinness Fairy.

Within minutes the dark nectar begins to work it's magic, (even the spectators are impressed).

Next morning, our lucky subject awakes to find.... Blarney Stone dust on his tongue, a shamrock in his fist, and his hair a lot shorter.....
Protect yourself from the supernatural...... Drink Guinness!

Friday, November 17, 2006

ELVIS: Still a force for good.

Pussy Galore, (her parent, a Venusian Hermaphrodite who impregnated theirself in a New Haven movie theatre during a screening of Goldfinger) was a happy-go-lucky space traveler who visited Earth periodically.
During this visit she would reawaken some dormant volcanoes to again slow Global Warming through Global Haze, (a pet project of her's since the council of 37 had given her Earth as her- 'Ameliorating the local impact of primative life forms to ensure containment' assignment). An assignment that basically entailed preventing the dominant primative life forms of any given planet, from buggering things up so badly at home that they came blundering out into the universe looking for a new home.

Little did she know that the hearts of men could contain things far darker than trying to convince one another that Nuclear Power was viable and safe for the Planet.
Peligro Biologico, (a darkly twisted individual with a taste for fungi grown next to those rusting, leaking barrels of chemicals, that he would find in the far corners of abandoned manufacturing facilities) had chosen Pussy to be his dark bride.
"Try the cheesecake" he growled, "I made it myself, it's New York style".

Pussy tried to eat P B's cheesecake, little knowing the chemical cocktail it contained within , but each time she tried to take a bite she would eject the cake faster than a Belemic at a birthday party.
"Don't eat that dessert little lady" a voice drawled; it was the Witchfinder General himself, Elvis Priestly.

"Peligro Biologico..... it seems you're always where there's an unattended drink or dessert. I haven't forgotten who contaminated the canned pineapple while I was on the set of 'Blue Hallelujah'".

"Priestly you meddling fool, be careful I don't curdle your hair oil."

"You don't frighten me P.B, now go before I make you listen to 18 choruses of 'Don't be cruel.... to a choirboy's stool'."

And with that exchange, Peligro Biologico slunk off leaving a noxious smell and the varnish peeling from the floor.

"Oh Elvis Priestly, thank you, thank you very much."

Thursday, November 16, 2006

WARNING: Tainted Chutney.

Great Barrington, Massachusetts was the scene of large scale public disgust late last month, with the appearance on it's peaceful night time streets of Chutney the Clown.

Chutney, a humourless, leering, gravel-voiced degenerate was spotted in several downtown locations. (This file photo shows Chutney in the company of the ever-present Lil' Chutney relaxing at a party with friends).

Several passersby were treated to Chutney's brand of swaggering insolence as he and Lil' Chutney cruised the town with their companions (a Cat, a Jester & a Demented Doctor).

A Mrs Jerblomee and her husband Haywood were having a quiet dinner together in one of Great Barrington's many fine eating establishments, when, in her words; " I looked up from my Anjou Pear Gorgonzola Walnut salad to see this, this thing leering at me through the window.
It was dressed like a clown but there was nothing funny about it, and it was clutching a doll. It gave me such a chilling look, and then it's eyes rolled back in it's head and it licked the window.... it licked the window!"

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Saved by the bell (actually, I think the ringtone was Bach).

Just the other night the Limey was working late, when a ne'r do well burst into his studio brandishing a large knife........

"Do you have Wi Fi" he demanded in a guttural monotone.

Limey shook his head, and in the silence you could feel the villain's cell phone vibrate before it trilled out some switched-on Bach.

Barely able to control his rage at what he saw on the phone's screen, the intruder texted a buy order for a bio fuel start-up, snatched up the Limey's cell phone charger and fled into the night.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Pillock Spotting (continued).
Contrary to some opinions, household pets cannot be Pillocks.

Try as they might by pulling strange faces,

sitting or laying in strange locations,

or even adopting wigs or unusual costumes.

The truth shines forth...... They are graciously humoring us, by descending to our level.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Pillock Spotting (continued)
Check out the headgear on this pair, (Father and son or what? I'll let you decide which is which).
The first Pillock looks like a garden gnome come to life.

Do they train in order to hold the steering wheel in exactly the same way, or is it inbreeding?
The first one isn't doing the sock thing, maybe it's a badge of rank?

Friday, November 10, 2006

Spotted in Lime Rock earlier this year; a Pillock in it's natural habitat.

People say that it's not a simple thing, identifying a Pillock.
I say, look at the evidence in this photo. The vacant yet wistful gaze, the jaunty posture, the fake nonchalance in front of the camera, the ridiculous outfit........ A dead giveaway.
Only being fully dressed on a sunny beach would more readily convey the essence of Pillockhood.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Even the Limey's cats like to race.

On your marks, get set, GO!

The Limey having fun in his limey car in a Bristol, CT parking lot with the great people of C.A.R.T.